With his only child going off to college, Keli'I Opulauoho was called to leave New York himself for his homeland of Hawai'i. But it wasn't what he missed that drew him there; rather what of his experiences he could bring back to the islands. Find out how sometimes repairing things comes from being your whole self where once you weren't.
In college, Keli‘i Opulauoho would have defined himself by the types of activities in which he participated – musical pursuits, student government, student affairs, his policy interests, particularly those related to China and international peace. But many of his classmates also associated him with his homeland of Hawai‘i. And after decades of being away, he has recently moved back home. But, despite some of the family reasons that made him originally consider the move back, it wasn't what he missed that drew home; rather what of his experiences from away that he could bring back to the islands. In this episode, find out from Keli‘i how sometimes repairing things comes from being your whole self where once you weren't.
About This Episode’s Guest
Keli‘i Opulauoho has had a career in corporate organizational development and learning, currently practicing his expertise at Hawaiian Electric, in Honolulu. In addition to supporting a number of LGBTQ+ organizations in Hawai‘i, he serves on the board of directors of many Dartmouth groups, including DGALA, NAAAD – the Native American Alumni Association of Dartmouth – and the Dartmouth Club of Hawai‘i. He is a proud Dartmouth ’26 parent and is a formidable karaoke performer wherever he might find himself. And despite what he might think, he’s a great hugger.
Keli’I Opulauoho: I used to think it was money. And it's not money, it's freedom. What we want is freedom and the things I'm working for or think I'm about are to give me or other people I care about more freedom, choices, options, things that make their lives better. I thought it was money prestige, you know, occupation company you work for. It's not. It is freedom.
Leslie Jennings Rowley: With his only child going off to college, Keli'I Opulauoho was called to leave New York himself for his homeland of Hawai'i. But it wasn't what he missed that drew him there; rather what of his experiences he could bring back to the islands. Find out how sometimes repairing things comes from being your whole self where once you weren't...on today's Roads Taken with me Leslie Jennings Rowley.
Today I am here with one of my dearest friends, Keli'I Opulauoho and we are going to talk about time and growth. And who we are meant to be. So Keli’i, it is a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining me.
KO: Oh, Leslie, I'm so glad that we're doing this and took me a little while for us to be able to schedule it, but I'm glad we're doing it now.
LJR: Me too. Okay, so I get a first, first time guest on and I asked them two specific questions to start and they're these, when we were in college, who were you and when we were getting ready to leave. Who did you think you would become?
KO: I think when we were in college, I would've described myself by the activities I did, and a majority of those were music. And I love music. Music is so part of everything, of how I think, how I process information, how I, even looking at, at spreadsheets, you know it's, or data. It's much more interesting if I'm listening to something, music that's going on in the background. So I was in a number and that's where we got to sing in both chamber singers and also as Dodecs and so you were there for that part of, you know what completed my Dartmouth experience was this music aspect. And then I also sang in a couple of other groups. I played in the Symphony Orchestra. I was in the Dartmouth College marching band. And even though I went to all the football games, that was really just, you know, hanging out in the stands, playing the Dartmouth songs. When we won, we would get to play the alma mater twice and March around Hanover. And so, you know, even my athletic participation for either football or hockey was with the band. It wasn't just as a fan. So those are the things that I think punctuated the who I was.
I was studying a couple of things at Dartmouth. I started out in government and then. I went into sort of Asian studies and when I did my foreign study program in Beijing, then I was like, oh, I'm a Chinese. That's, that's my thing. And that would actually dictate a little bit of the years after Dartmouth was, I speak Chinese, I know Chinese things. I want to do something impactful in the world in that arena. So there was that. I also was totally into student life and the student experience. I wanted to be an undergraduate advisor, which I got to do my sophomore year and even in one of my, do we say they don't call them anymore. One of my first year students there is the vice President of the Dartmouth Club of Hawai’i. I'm the president now, though. We're spinning off this year. So we were, we met at Dartmouth and now we're doing things together in Hawaii. So I think those types of connections were lifelong, especially in residence halls where you live with people and you get to know them more than just the classes or the meetings or the activities you do together.
And then student government, student government, towards the end of our Dartmouth career, I was like, oh, I, I'm interested in policy. What are the things that are gonna be lasting, you know, after we leave? I wrote an article in The Dabout Queer Affinity Housing. That was our senior year, I think senior Spring or when? Winter or spring. So that would've been 1996 and when the Triangle House opened in 2014, 2015. You know, I got my invitation to go, and of course I went, I was like took 20 years and now there's a, there's a space on campus for queer people. Like, that's amazing. Amazing. And so Dartmouth grew long after we left it.
But I like to think that there are things that, you know, the generations before us had to plant in order for those things to grow. So, you know, we at Dartmouth or all of the affiliated groups that support students from different. Demographic backgrounds and categories and countries and all of the support services that are there. Like forebearers had to put those there so that people could have them and then improve them. So I'm, I'm glad I had a piece in that. Your, your second question was…
LJR: When we were 22, [KO: Mm-hmm.] Like getting ready to leave. [KO: Yeah.] Who did you think you would become?
KO: I knew I wanted to do something with government or policy. I didn't necessarily think I wanted to be in the front like the candidate, but I did want to be involved somewhere, like in the thinking process, like the policy, which would've taken me into certain directions like either law, you know, more government. My favorite show ever on TV was West Wing. And not just because they were all Democrats, but because they were all brilliant and smart and smart and like if the country's being run by these people, I don't need to be involved. I just need to watch and cheer them on. Like, okay, so that's my idea of what government could look like and I don't need to be a part of it if I can be in it. Or with it or around it, but I don't think governments always looks like the West Wing. So that's who I thought I'd be. Who I ended up was very different and I, and I mentioned the, the Chinese sort of informing that I thought I'd go to China. I thought I would do international business. I thought I would look at trade with Asian countries as supporting political peace and those things were all after Tiananmen Square
LJR: Uh-huh yep.
KO: It was like 1989, so we were like freshmen. There was all these things that were happening with the regime change in China.
LJR: Big time.
KO: I did my Beijing FSP in the summer of 93, between freshman and sophomore year.
So right at the beginning of my Dartmouth career, I was very Chinese identified and I went to China and I came back and. Well, I was as good as, you know, my drill instructor would say I was how good my Chinese was. But, and maybe it wasn't great enough to negotiate contracts, but it was good enough to like talk to the translator who was doing that.
If I went into into business and, you know, stuff happened I married a woman, our classmate, Grace, we moved to Arizona. For business school where I was actually studying modern Chinese language and you know, then we ended up staying. We had Miles. He's wonderful. He's 21 now, and we'll be graduating from Dartmouth in June.
So that went full circle. You know, like, and it's very different when you're a student at Dartmouth and you're the first generation in your family to go to Dartmouth or to an Ivy League and then to be legacy when Dartmouth changes your institutional suffix to P for parent and some and some number that never changes like that. So now I forever will have Keli’I Opulauoho D 96, P 26, and you know how proud that makes me feel of not only, not only Miles or Grace and I, but for Dartmouth, too? Like Wow. And, you know, I'm pleased with, with that contribution and what he will benefit from having gone there as a, as a student. So that's who I thought I'd be. And then I ended up not doing it at all. I ended up, I ended up like, what can I do?
LJR: Well, you said you stayed, but you didn't mean staying in Arizona. You moved to New York. Stayed in the us not going, not going to China.
KO: Right, right. Not going to China. Yeah. We were in California then we moved to Connecticut for a couple of years. Miles was very young, like preschool. And then we moved to the city Manhattan, where we stayed and. Miles got into school in a K through 12 school, which is fantastic. That's a, that's a lessons learned. Try to put,
LJR: That's like a lottery. Try to put your kid in something that you don't have to like reapply every four years like that. That was a blessing compared to peers that are trying to get their kids into kindergarten and New York. That's tough. That's a hard process. And then we were in New York, the one thing I wanted to real, I really wanted to do was be a teacher. If I couldn't be a musician, I wanted to be a teacher, and I couldn't be a musician, not because I didn't love it, but I just didn't have the, the talent or, or the kind of discipline required to exercise and to practice to the, you know, to…So that you could be like the best in the world. I…that wasn't me. Mine was more social. I did it so, you know, I could have fun with the other people that like music and I love being an audience participant a listener, but I wasn't gonna be a musician.
I wanted to be a teacher. It was teaching and teachers don't get paid enough and our country. I feel that was very obvious during the pandemic when everybody had to teach their kids at home and we're like, oh my goodness, that's really hard. These people should be more, these people should make more money.
LJR: They’re saints.
KO: That's right. I mean, they don't get enough. So I ended up doing teaching, but I do it in corporate universities for large companies in learning and development departments. And I've been in human resources my entire professional career and specifically in organizational development and learning the last. 20, which was under the rub rubric of either organizational effectiveness or leadership or diversity of which all of those things are apart and. I'm blessed that I fell into that. I get to teach sometimes, perhaps not as much as I'd like. I get paid more than a teacher and where I sit in an organization, I get to influence organizational culture, employee experience, and all the things that I kind of learn how to do at Dartmouth.
LJR: Mm-hmm.
KO: But I'm getting to do it on a bigger stage.
LJR: Right.
KO: That makes me very happy with the way that road ended up. I did it in New York for 13 years with New York City Health and Hospitals and I thought I might stay in he healthcare, not, not after COVID. I was like, nah, that's okay. But I was able to, you know, it's agnostic to industry, so I was able to do it now in utility company here in Hawaii, and I'm home and I'm doing what I love and it's beautiful. We're like 70 degrees. What are you right now?
LJR: Yeah. I won't tell you. So when you mentioned culture, I did think Hawai’i actually because you are a keeper of culture and a trainer of culture and leadership and what it takes, all the elements that it takes to be on that same cultural page within an organization. But as you said, you were doing that at Dartmouth, whether it was UGA or in the organizations that you fostered. You know, all the things that need, that you need for a healthy organization and yet culture. It starts with what we know from when we were a kid. [KO: Mm-hmm.] And what you didn't say about who you were at Dartmouth is who you were to the rest of us, which was Keli’i from Hawaii.Because we weren't from Hawaii, most of us were not from Hawaii. And so learning more about your background and your culture, it did seem like to the rest of us…I wonder if he's gonna get back there. And so talk me through the thought process about when you are deciding—Okay. I have a kid who's flown the nest and I might be ripe for doing the same.
KO: Sure.
LJR: What did it feel like, look like?
KO: Thank you for, for reminding me of that, Leslie, about what it was like on campus. You're, you're, you're right. Oh, where are you from? It's sort of the first question. What's your name? Where are you from, or who are you, what are you about? And then where are you from? Is really easy. Again, when I say Hawai’i, or I did, you know, 30, whatever years ago. That was 33 years ago. The response was often positive, very often positive. Oh, I love Hawai’i. Oh, I'd love to go to Hawai’i. Oh, we went there for, you know, any number of positive responses, and I was grateful for having that because as a visibly minority student. I did not get the same treatment that other students of color got at Dartmouth when they said where they were from mine was almost romanticized and like mm-hmm. Idealized, and everybody loved it and, oh, when can I come visit you? And all of those things that Hawai’i gives to Native Hawaiian people when we go outside of the island.
LJR: Mm. Right. Mm.
KO: But that's not gonna happen if you're from…You know, a black student from Chicago or a native student from Oklahoma or wherever, or an Asian student from L.A., it's not like you got the same welcoming kind of, oh, I'm excited to meet you. Tell me about you treatment. And I remember very distinctly having conversations with other minority students in our class. That were like, that's unfair. You know, like you're, you're experiencing Dartmouth in a much happier way than how I'm starting my Dartmouth experience. And I was like, I don't even know how to account for that, except that that's true. And so I felt like I was able to go into different spaces at Dartmouth easier because I was from Hawai’i. And Hawai’i's like alo—, it's aloha. It's like it's love, it's Oh, we love you. Everything. We hug. It was very hard for me to stop hugging. Like I, when I first got to Dartmouth, I wanted to hug people. 'cause that's what we, that's how we greet people in Hawai’i. That's how we tell them, Hey you, I'm glad we're meeting you. Let me hug you. And that had to stop.
LJR: Did you stop hugging? Did you?
KO: Yeah, I stopped. That stopped when I got to Dartmouth.
LJR: I was little and you still hugged me, so I got the benefit
KO: But Well, you yeah, well you're, you're my little
LJR: Huggable
KO: Yeah. For sure. I will say though, it was my parents. I wanted to spend more time with my parents, and they're the ones that were like, here, we're gonna educate you. We're gonna give you experiences. We want you to fly, and you don't need to come back to Hawaii. We're always here. You can fly wherever you need to go and do that. But when I lost my mom from a heart attack in 2014, which was just like literally out of the, she wasn't in the best of health, but a heart attack that would immediately make her like comatose was hard. And I was like. It was, yeah, unplanned for. What surprised me was when I, you know, I got the phone call from one of, I think both of my siblings were blowing up my phone when it happened and I was in the subway or something at New York, and when I came outta the subway, I saw like all these missed calls and I went back. One of the things that I learned was that my parents had a resuscitation order, that if something were to happen to them, that they were supposed to be kept alive for seven days. And the seven days was to account for wherever Kelii or Miles are in the world they can get back here. And it's strange because when my dad told me that, and I am now back, my mom's been in a coma for, I don't know, two or three days, and the doctors are talking to me because I'm the one who can say, oh, we can let her go. But I, 'cause I was unaware of the arrangement that they're only being kept alive because I'm not in Hawai’i. It was like a huge gift, I think on their part for me and Miles, for us. But totally. If they just talked to me about it, I would've been, I would've let you go. I don't want you to be held like that for seven days. That's crazy. Why would I want that? But it became more real for me at that point that I need to come back to Hawai’i. And my dad died in 2018 from congestive heart failure, and I'm grateful that I had medical insurance, right? In America, not everyone has that. So I was able, and I had protections with my employer, so I was able to take time and take care of my father for his final 4, 3, 4 months in Hawaii and. Everything was fine. And so in that case, I'm very blessed for having had those privileges and to be able to have that time with him. So then why four years later when I move back, both my parents are gone. I feel like I was on a very long trip away from Hawaii for 30 years and lots of things happened. So it was interesting when we think, talk about the road's taken and the road's not taken, you know, you can meet one interesting person and your whole trajectory changes.
I had that. I had, there was like two or three things. One birth of a child. Man, your life just changes. I was really worried and I was talking to Henry, my now deceased father-in-law, but one day before Miles was born, or two days before Miles was born, and we're walking around Palm Springs, which is where I was living at the time.
And he said, oh, how are you doing? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Whatever. And I said, you know, I'm really nervous. I'm really nervous. 'cause I am worried that about raising miles well. And he said, well, that's, that's the problem is you think you're gonna raise him when he's the one who's gonna raise you. And you know, he's Nigerian, he's Igbo. He always kind of talks like these, you know, a little above
LJR: Philosopher
KO: Like way above the ground kind of, kind of things that he's saying. And, and that one hit because one, he meant it, and two, it was entirely true. So, you know, birth of children makes you. Like all your rules change for how you view the world and how you interact with the world and people around you, and I'm really grateful for that.
I think divorce, so marriage and divorce, those huge life changes for divorce, it's sort of like, for me it was, you know, when, when is it a good decision for all involved? But really for me. To say that this, it doesn't serve me or us in a way that it did. Or it could, and it's either because of effort that I'm willing or unwilling to put into it or love, which I'm willing or not willing to give anymore.
And that was very useful I think, for all relationships and all people and all interactions and employers and bosses and subordinates that you work with on what is your tolerance, acceptance factor for whatever the challenges are, right? And so that was a huge, that was a huge learning for me.
The last one was this guy I met and, and he was really hot, or he is really hot. Anyway, he he…This is a funny story. I've done learning programs for large companies for many, many years, right? And so one of the things they want you to do is you come in and you welcome the students, right? You welcome the learners. Oh, welcome. This class is on whatever the class is on, diversity, change management, leadership, whatever it is, and I don't remember the name of this, the class that I was going into, but when you looked at the room, it was something like, I don't know, 15 students of which 13 looked like middle aged men who don't care about how they present. Right? And then there was like two women who looked very appropriately dressed, sweater set, you know, ready for learning. They'd be there for, for whatever. And then one guy at the end who was very, very nicely dressed, right? He had, he had white shoes, he had. He had denim pants, but like, kind of trendy. Not, not just like old, like old whatever that we threw on. And he had like a crop shirt that went right, you know, and he had a, a denim large shirt, which looked pretty casual, but looked great. He had something on his face that looks like more than soap and water like. Some kind of moisturizer [LJR: Glowing] or something that's making him glow and his hair look fantastic. And I was like, you're the gay one. And I went right down the, I was like, you're the gay one. Until he opened his mouth and I realized he wasn't.
And you know, the thing is, is that, oh, I remember it's process improvement. So we were doing Lean Six Sigma certification and whatever, and from him, I learned it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how you're doing or what you're doing today. Just be better tomorrow. And that stuck. A long time, better tomorrow. And so make harder goals, you know, crush them and then make harder ones. Do tough shit, do like whatever. Just make it better tomorrow than you had yesterday and that will get you somewhere. He's also very religious, which is not really my thing. I understand religion and its importance in a cultural context, and I know it very academically, like these are the books of the use are the verses, but where I am with faith and belief is probably more about the human experience and how we interact with each other more than in some text or prayer to a a different God.
LJR: How did he make you understand that big lesson of make it better tomorrow, just from what he was wearing?
KO: Oh, no. We started, we, he was the one person I like you, you know, when you, you get to the end of a, a training program and you have to like do a graduation ceremony and sort of kiss the babies and shake hands and all that kind stuff.
LJR: Mm-hmm.
KO: And that's where we got to further discussion. And in that discussion I became aware of his. The types of project work he was doing, which was always Six Sigma and Lean and it's, he's interesting because he self describes as a. Somewhat Asperger or somewhere on the spectrum person, so he doesn't filter. And it's not mean, and it's not unkind, it's just factual. But it's always well intended. Like it's never critical for the sake of being an ass. It's, it's critical because it's something he observed. And if you're willing to at least take the perspective that that could be better, then make it better. And that's kind of where it went. And I extrapolated after that, like on [LJR: Right, right.] To other things because I'm like, Hmm.
LJR: There's a kernal.
Right. And yeah. And he's a fantastic listener, and that's something I wanted to be better at doing anyway, was to listen.
LJR: Yeah.
KO: Does that answer okay? I hope that answers.
LJR: Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. Okay. So you had decided you were gonna go back, well you'd said you'd felt like you'd been on a long vacation away from Hawaii. Right. And then there are these kind of three…
KO: Sure.
LJR: …Thoughts or like life stage “a-ha”s, like, oh, birth of a child, ah, dissolution of a marriage. Ah, realization tomorrow can be better. How does that incorporate into the journey home?
KO: So, so the death of my parents or before the death of my parents, I wanted to come back home to have a relationship with them, right? And to have them see me as an adult, which is different than when I left in 1992 to go start Dartmouth and then go wherever we were gonna go. And so being away for 30 years, that was in total, I lost my mother at 22 and my father at 26 or so, something like that, number of years out. And so it's funny when you said, oh, every one of us, we were wondering when he'd go back. I think everyone here in Hawaii that were either extended family or classmates were like, why did you come back? Like, that's the question. And it's interesting because I have a Hawaiian looking name, Keli’I Opulauoho, and I have a Hawaiian looking face. But what I also get, all the time here is, oh, you're not really local. Local meaning born, raised here, schooled here, worked here, know all the local customs and preferences and cuisines, and
LJR: But you were and do.
KO: Supposedly. But most people I think, experienced me as not a local person. Oh, he's from the mainland or he's from the continent, which I get commonly, which gives me a little bit of leeway. It's like, now, if that's what you think, I don't actually need to be. From Hawaii. I can be the whoever I am and let that work for a while. But the, but the, the same Greater Tomorrow person asked me the question. He said, why did you move home to Hawaii? And I said something like, my parents, my family, I wanted to be with my extended family. I wanted to whatever, whatever. He goes, I think you need to heal yourself. And I sat with that and everything. Great. That happened in the last 30 years is great. And there was a lot of shit too. My divorce was one.
LJR: Both. Marriage was good. Divorce was not.
KO: But the marriage was in Hawaii. I mean, we came to Hawaii to get married, but yeah, the divorce was away. That was in New York. I would love to have raised miles in Hawaii. I think that. You know, New York was an interesting place choice to raise kids. The exposure to culture and artists or all kinds of opportunities is fantastic, but the dangers and the risks are also fantastic. And so those things, you know, they're trade offs. When you live in Hawaii, you're not gonna have Broadway theater caliber, you know, types of concerts every single day of the week except Monday when they're dark. But you also don't have the same level of. Violence or of, of conflict perhaps in other places, because I think being so isolated and far away on an island, people figured out how to get along.
I also know one of the reasons I left Hawai'i and felt good about being away was there was a state senate state senator, state representative who was leading the family. Act or something, you know, anti-gay marriage in the nineties. And so when I wasn't really out yet. That was just very loud. So in addition to sort of HIV, which was going on at the time, I mean, it's still going on at, but it was very, it was very loud, loud in the late eighties and early nineties, and then Hawaii should have beaten Massachusetts for gay marriage. Like we, we were there to get it and it was this group that sort of stopped it and made it feel like, oh, I don't think I can be in Hawaii. So the other reason I wanted to come back was to address that. Was to address, and I'm not entirely certain the what I'm supposed to do to heal my queer little 18-year-old self who left, who's now not afraid, who now can be whoever. I'm smart as shit. I went to Dartmouth, right? So now I have credentials that. I don't care what you think about me because of who I love or what I do. But I'm gonna help this community somehow. And so I volunteer a lot. I think volunteering is really important and I think we learned that at Dartmouth, like service. And there's like only two things I really volunteer for. One is for Dartmouth stuff and the other is for sort of queer things in Hawai'i. So I'm involved with a legacy foundation that does Pride Parade, Pride Festival, the Rainbow Film Festival, Queer Women's Initiative. There's a rainbow scholarship program, emerging leaders to help queer leaders be queer and lead in Hawai'i. And so I feel like those are the ways I'm healing myself. And I don't know when that ends. It may not, because I think the journey's long and, you know, I think different parts of the queer community are really taking a hit, even the ones I don't identify with, but still need support.
So I think that's my calling to be here, at least right now in the future. That will change when and if there are grandkids and I have a Miles, has a very lovely girlfriend, which I don't know. I’m rooting. I'm happy. I don't know, she could be, she could be the mom of my grandchildren. I'm, I'd be cool, you know, that's gonna make me come back to New York. That'll make me come back to wherever they are within driving distances because I think children. Well, it's different, right? Grandkids. We only have to be there a little bit. We have to, we only have to be there on our timeline and not the child's timeline. But I'm really looking forward to that. You know, part of the reason Miles and I ran the, the Honolulu Marathon this past December was not only to do hard shit, but. To add to his Dad Lore so he could say to his kids, my grandkids, oh, I ran the marathon with, with grandpa and I was still at Dartmouth. I wasn't even, I hadn't even graduated yet. I did it when I was 21.
LJR: And he was old.
KO: And, and, and, right. And grandpa was in his 50s. What is he doing? Right. So, so, so that's how I got him to sign up. The funny thing is like one week later after the Honolulu Marathon, they send you our early bird registration for next year. And so I called him, I was like, are we gonna do it again? He's like, hell no. I only, I check that spot. Check. Done. We gotta find something else for the Dad lore. And I was like, all right, we'll find something else. So we'll plan that travel or trip or something.
LJR: That's awesome.
KO: But that's what that was for.
LJR: Well, it does sound as though you internalized your friend's notion of you need to make the decisions for you. Not because of family or your supposed Hawaiian-ness. Right? So the next phase can be, okay, I can be someone who has a Hawaiian heritage and I don't need to be on an island to feel that or not feel that.
KO: Sure.
LJR: Or whatever I wanna do with that. So that seems pretty healthy.
KO: It seems very. Here's another part of that though. I think when your parents go. Or when they passed. And the reality, first of all, nobody prepares you for that. So like, that was horrible. And I lost my mom first. Yeah.
LJR: With whom you were closer?
KO: No, I was, I believe I was, you know what? I had my dad longer. I had my dad four years longer, so I feel like he was closer. [LJR: Mm-hmm.] But I don't think so. I think, I never felt like they didn't love me. I never felt not close to either of them, but I will say when you get to the point that you no longer are living for their expectations or the things that they wanted. It's, and that's easier to do when they're gone, meaning I carry that. Like, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to be about? What do I, what do they want? What makes them proud of, of me being their child? And, and all of that. When all of those expectations go, and it's really conscious. It doesn't, it didn't happen like accidental. It's like, okay. Now.
LJR: Now I’m free.
KO: I'm free. Yes. And I think that's the ticket. It's freedom. You know, I used to think it was money and it's not money. It's freedom. What we want is freedom and the things I'm working for or think I'm about are to give me or other people I care about more freedom, choices, options, things that make their lives better. And I think that's always what it is. I didn't know that succinctly at Dartmouth. I thought it was money prestige, you know, occupation company you work for. It's not, it's freedom. And then you, you choose the people you wanna be with, you choose the families, you choose the goals, the accomplishments, and yeah, that, but that was the, the awareness after my, my parents were deceased.
LJR: Yeah. Well, I think. It's a hard-won recognition. And it's something that I wish we could all learn earlier. It sounds like you're doing a little bit of that teaching the next generation down. Right?
KO: I, you know, it's, here's something, Scott Brown, who was the director of Residential Life when we were students, and then he left and worked all over and then came back to Dartmouth when we were there in ’22 for our 25th. He was dean of the college interim and then he became. Dean of the college and now he left Dartmouth, which to me was the saddest thing to happen. I would've loved for him to have been the dean of the college when Miles graduated. So when we were in Reunion and I caught him for a moment and we got to do one walk around Pon, he was in the middle of stuff and that was the time we had.
And I said to him, I was like, you know, miles is coming to Dartmouth and you know, I'd like him to have another adult on campus that he might call or check in with. And Scott said this to me, he goes, he's like, I'll check in, but I'm not monitoring him like I'm, it's not something I would do for him or for you, but this is what you need to think about, Keli’’i. He said, you raised a child and you did it successfully and he now he's an adult and he got into Dartmouth, or he's going to Dartmouth, congratulations. You did it. Like congratulations. Sit back a little bit and just soak that in. Now that he's 18 or an adult and going to Dartmouth, he doesn't need a coach. He needs a fan. And when he said that that had to sink in and it's really the sort of evolution of parenting that,I don't know if we experienced it the same way when we were sort of getting ready to go to Dartmouth or you know, for some, you know. When they go to boarding school, I think the experiences are different. But as parents, you know, it's parenting, guiding, advising, and then as they age, eventually it's less parenting and more then it's advising. And by the time Miles was in high school, I feel like I was consulting, like, here's some options. And he'd tell me, I'm gonna go with this one. So now you're in a full-fledged adult and you know what I said to Miles? I, I wrote it in a letter, like a hard card. He's like, what's this a card? And I was like, well, I wrote it in a, why didn't you email it to me? And I also called him
LJR: Or text it
KO: Or text it, how come and why are there complete sentences and not abbreviations? And, and I said to him, I was like, you know, I will always have an opinion as you know as everybody in our class knows, I'll always have an opinion and I can always give you feedback, but I'm not going to unless you ask for it. And so our conversations have been, you know, driven by what he wants to talk about and driven about, you know, what's, what's motivating him, what's scaring him, what words he think he can have, the impact that he wants, what he's nervous about, if he makes these choices. And then I'll, you know, I'll let him talk through that. And then after the fact, I be like, Hey, did you get the outcome that you wanted? Was that the experience you thought it would be? And that, and that's how our relationship has changed. That's where I feel like parenting parlays into friendship when they're older and. That's how we're, we're starting to interact. And so I'm very grateful for Scott having said, stop coaching and try to just be his fan. And I don't know what Miles would say, whether he likes that or not. I still have an opinion on everything and feedback, but he hasn't asked me recently, so.
LJR: But he probably really knows that you are his fan and have been his fan for all of that 18 years, which allowed him to grow and stretch and do all things.
KO: You know? You know, miles, miles came out when he was a junior in high school. I think he was a junior. You're in high school, and he's like, dad, I need to talk to you. And I was like, oh, okay, sure. Let's talk. No, I really need to talk to you and I don't want you to be upset. Okay. Now that's freaking me out. But I'm like, all right. And then he goes, dad, I've given it a lot of thought and I thought now would be the right time to, to let you know that I'm straight. And I answered that as perfectly as I was supposed to. Right. Like I said, everything correct. Oh, thank you for telling me. I hope I didn't do or say anything that made you feel like you couldn't tell me that sooner. When did you know? I mean, like, I did everything correct on, on that. And he goes, well, I've known for a while, but I, I, I thought I didn't. I, I, no, I thought it'd be better for me to tell you before I, because I'm gonna ask a girl to the prom. And I was like, okay. And all I said to him was, of course, you know, whatever you identify yourself as, you know, that may have limits and boundaries in the way it's defined. But the, the, the universe is big and there's so many things in it that I would. I didn't say caution, but like, you know, when you constrain yourself to some of those, then you miss the opportunities that are in front of you. And I just want you to be open to whatever comes your way, regardless of the labels you choose for yourself and give them consideration. And some thought and make safe choices. I don't care how you live yourself or who you're with or what you're doing, make safe choices if you can. That's important to me. And be happy.
LJR: Again, the freedom. [KO: Yeah] right? Don't limit yourself, limit your thinking. Just be free.
KO: Yeah. So, you know, I think he's going into life with his eyes wide open and that's, that's important.
LJR: Yeah. Well I love your thought that the universe is big. You've definitely sampled a lot of it and I think lots of life lessons, probably hard-won, but also really contemplatively-won. And so thank you so much for sharing those with us today,
KO: Leslie, Thanks for this. Obviously, I didn't mean to get all emotional.
LJR: That was Keli’i Opulauoho, who has had a career in corporate organizational development and learning, currently practicing his expertise at Hawaiian Electric, in Honolulu. In addition to supporting a number of LGBTQ+ organizations in Hawai’i, he serves on the board of directors of many Dartmouth groups, including DGALA, NAAAD – the Native American Alumni Association of Dartmouth – and the Dartmouth Club of Hawai'i. He is a proud Dartmouth ’26 parent and is a formidable karaoke performer wherever he might find himself. And despite what he might think, he’s a great hugger.
We hope you find these episodes as a great big hug to your ears or nervous system or wherever you feel your feels. You can always find more in our full archives at RoadsTakenShow.com. Thanks for listening as we bring a couple more episodes this season with my guests and me, Leslie Jennings Rowley, on Roads Taken.