When Doug Asano and his buddies were graduating, one friend's dad took a minute to stop them and point out what they needed to take with them when they left college. At the moment, Doug thought it both odd and potentially monumental. And in the ensuing years, he's come to realize the true wisdom that lived in the remark. Find out how keeping up connections and tapping in can make even the quietest of moments joyful.
When we last spoke with Doug Asano, he talked about how our notions of success were a little skewed in the early days and it took a little time—and the help of friends—to figure out what a good life really looks like. In this Roads Taken Revisited, Doug reflects—as his daughters fledge and leave him with an empty nest—on words of wisdom dispensed as he was making his own full leap into the world. Realizing how special his friendships were and taking the time to nurture them has been a lifelong process and one that continues to pay dividends.
In this episode, find out from Doug how keeping up connections and tapping in can make even the quietest moments joyful…on Roads Taken with Leslie Jennings Rowley.
About This Episode’s Guest
Doug Asano continues to serve as Senior Vice President, Sales & Marketing at Roseburg Forest Products. He lives in an empty though still really fun nest in North Carolina with his wife, with room for his daughters to come in and out from time to time.
For Doug’s first appearance on Roads Taken, listen to our episode Redefining Success.
Doug Asano: And I thought to myself, what do they know, right? I'm going to take over the world, and I'm graduating from college, and here I go. But I remember thinking, huh, I really respect this guy, I really like him. If he's taking the time to tell us this at a monumental point in our lives, there must be some truth to it.
Leslie Jennings Rowley: When Doug Asano and his buddies were graduating, one friend's dad took a minute to stop them and point out what they needed to take with them when they left college. At the moment, Doug thought it both odd and potentially monumental. And in the ensuing years, he's come to realize the true wisdom that lived in the remark. Find out how keeping up connections and tapping in can make even the quietest of moments joyful. On today's Roads Taken Revisited with me, Leslie Jennings Rowley.
Today, I'm here with my friend, Doug Asano, and we are here on a Special Roads Taken Revisited because it was, I can't believe, two years ago when we last spoke with Doug and he shared his journey and how friendships and reconnecting and doing all of those things that we sometimes forget—know we need to do but forget—to do it can help us out of some rough times. So I want to talk to Doug about where he's been in the last two years and what's down the next set of roads. So Doug, thanks so much for being here.
DA: It's great. It's hard to believe it's been two years, but yeah, it's exciting. I think the biggest change for us has been, our girls are gone. Not gone, but they're, we're empty nesters.
LJR: Yeah.
DA: So our oldest just finished her first semester at Colorado College in Colorado Springs. She's loving it. It's amazing to see her blossom and go off and be a young adult. And then our youngest—in a little bit of reversal of norms—so she, in the fall of ‘22, decided it was time to fly the coop in high school. And so she went to boarding school as a sophomore in New Hampshire at St. Paul's where I went. It was not something I encouraged. It's not something I even brought up, but she decided on her own that this was the best thing for her and that she's always been very strong in math and science, and she had kind of run out of things at home and the school have been very open with us in seventh grade, but even that far back Leslie that they were going to run out of math and science for her. And I think, you know, if you have daughters or you read up on current thoughts on education, for girls in particular in their teens, it can be a time where they drop out of math and science. They don't have a lot of mentors. They don't have a lot of peers who are interested in it. And we were really adamant that we were going to make sure she had the resources to continue that. So, she's the one who came to us and said, the best thing I can do is go away, and it was hard. Even though I had been to boarding school, it was really hard to see your 16 year old leave. And so we dropped her off the fall of ‘22. Ironically it made that our oldest daughter for her senior year in high school was home with just us, which was really awesome. And then our oldest, in September, we dropped her off.
LJR: Wow.
DA: And, I mean, talk about emotions and just transition of, you've spent 18 years of your life raising your kids to be independent and autonomous and responsible, and then you're in this spot where they literally, I mean, walk, they walk away from you to go into the dorm, just like we did.
LJR: Yes. Right.
DA: We didn't think anything of it. And you're suddenly in this, like, what just happened? And someone told me, I don't know if this is an urban legend or not, that by the time your kids go to college, you will have spent 95 percent of the time in your lifetime with them. Because after that, it's vacations and weddings and weekends.
So yeah, we came back from dropping off our youngest on Labor Day weekend. And you walk in and the house is empty . And you don't have to worry about 50 gazillion soccer games on the weekend or who's having a sleepover or who's gotta go to, you know, whatever practice.
LJR: Having nutritious food in the house or anything, really.
DA: Or yeah, I mean, it, and so, you know, that's just one of these transitions that we all want to go through. But i hits really quick.
LJR: Yeah, well, and quicker for you. So I think those of us who have the kids and know that this is going to happen kind of are mentally preparing for it. You got a little bit blindsided there by the young one saying, I'm going to do this faster than you had anticipated. So that seems a little dastardly. But maybe that made it just kind of like do the band aid, right? Like, get it, get it out, and then
DA: It, it did, Leslie, in a way that…We knew from an early age that there was a likelihood that she'd want to do this and through COVID it was kind of, you know, who knew what was happening. You know, I had been telling her, hey, If this is something you want to do, we need to talk about it. You need to talk to your mother about it, so that she's not blindsided. And in classic second child format, she didn't tell us. And she signed up for the admission cycle on her email. And of course, we get an email saying, Congratulations, your daughter's applying to St. Paul's. And she came down that morning, and my wife looked at her and said, Do you have something to tell us? And I was like, Anna, this is not how you're supposed to do it, but whatever. And it's been great to see her blossom, but you're right. We had to, before our oldest had left, you know, the fall of ‘22, we drove up to New Hampshire and, and left her. I mean, you just, there's no easy way to do it. And, you know, it's high school, so they’re still kids, and the school's much more, obviously, involved and much more active than you would do if you dropped your kids off at college. But, yeah, so she was gone last year. She was home for breaks, but that was a transition, and I think for us, getting to drop off our oldest at college, we were a little more used to it.
LJR: Yeah.
DA: Now, it was still very hard. She left the first weekend of August, which felt like we'd lost or were robbed of a good chunk of the summer, but she's loving it, doing great. It's hard not to love Colorado Springs, and, and Anna loves New Hampshire, and is loving boarding school and everything that's brought with it. So it's exciting when they're home. But it's it was eerie and weird this fall because you go from go, go, go, who's gonna cover this event, who's gonna pick up groceries, and who's doing dinner to what time's dinner? I don't know, 5:30? 6?
LJR: Are we eating dinner?
DA: It's just you and me. Yeah, exactly. What do you want to do? You want to sit on the couch? And then I will tell you the biggest shock. Leslie, and I'm sure a lot of our classmates will resonate with this. Your weekends are back to you.
LJR: Yeah.
DA: And it's weird. You wake up and you're like, what am I gonna do today? I think I'm gonna go for a bike ride. I might go to the gym. Lexi's gonna the farmer's market. What time do you wanna have dinner? Six. We're going out. Okay. It took me probably three weekends to not feel like I had forgotten something, not feel like I had missed something. And then I was like, man, this is. This is great.
LJR: Yeah. You, Doug, just encapsulated this entire conversation I recently had with our classmate Michelle Villalobos, who is talking about kind of the seasons of our life and, you know, she's actually literally thinking about in the winter of this year, I'm going to be fallow and hibernate. And then in the spring, I'm going to, you know, take all the ideation I did and move it into something new. And in summer, I'm going to launch and then fall, I'm going to be grateful and think about kind of the, what went well, what went differently that I need to do differently next time. And so she's doing these annual things. But I said, you know, we are in the fall of our life cycle, right? So we had our little blossoming in our youth doing our thing and then this crazy time that you just described of like everybody doing everything so generative and it is full blown summer and we're out and about and doing things and trying to keep it all together and then fall, it's like this—whoo—breath of something but you're waiting like, did I forget? Did I not? And I feel like that's kind of not just where we are in these few months of fall, but like the next few years is going to be this period of I am grateful for all the bounty that has come before, but now what, what, what am I waiting for? Like, right. What is this expectation? What's next?
DA: And, you know, I turned…my wife and I turned 50 and in the spring and we had a party and bought a bunch of the Dartmouth crew showed up. And I remember looking around going. I don't feel like I'm 50.
LJR: I know.
DA: And I certainly don't feel as old as I thought my parents were when they turned 50. And maybe that's just delusion. Maybe there's something to it. I don't know. I feel like we're generally better shaped than our parents were. Maybe physically, emotionally, mentally. But it was a, it was pretty surreal to look around the house and see all these people gathered for our 50th birthdays. And you know, that's a big number. And I think you're right about the fact that, you know, we're in our, we're fully solidly middle aged. There is no avoiding.
LJR: Try to say anything else. I know.
DA: You know, it's like you can't stretch that, you know, you're in your late thirties and yeah, that's still early or geez, I'm in my early forties. But even you, but, but we're solidly middle aged and you know, I think some of the conversations, you know, we've had some friends who've had some health problems; those are starting to become a reality. And, you know, certainly we're in this, I think, you know, this sandwich generation of still raising our kids, but facing elderly parents who are in various states of both physical and, and even some emotional and mental issues, right? And that's a weird spot to be in because one of the things I've seen is, you know, when you parents get to that age, it's almost like they revert back to being in preschool. And the conversations you're having, just weird, kind of like, are we really having this conversation?
LJR: Am I the parent?
DA: Is this what you, yeah, am I, like, why are we even having this argument? So I think that's been something that has been more acute recently. And then I think the other thing is, we've got, maybe it's a post COVID thing, Leslie, I don't know. I've had more friends in distress. Not, not, this isn't a Dartmouth thing, this is just across the board, where you see people who have had the perfect career. And they're Instagram perfect. And then you find out that their marriage is a wreck. They don't talk to one of their kids. And they're in rehab. Or their career is falling apart. And they don't have any savings and they're suddenly really worried about stuff that nobody's thought about or worried about in 20 years. You know, I've got two close friends who are in, I would say, the throes of addiction. And it's hard from the outside looking in to know what to do, how to help, how to not help. And you realize that maybe these issues were there and when you're 25 you just grin and bear it or don't talk about it. But when you're 50, and you've got kids, and you've got dependents, and you've got houses, and careers, and spouses, man it gets messy. And, not everybody handles it the same. And it's hard, it's hard to watch. Because it There's no manual for how to do this. I think we're better as a society about talking about things like mental health and addiction and certainly post COVID about things like loneliness and connection, but you know, it's still, it's still out there. And you know, I've had some friends who've lost jobs. You know, we've had a Dartmouth classmate who lost his wife to cancer, so it's just also, you know, as you were talking about celebrating the bounty and the euphoria of, you know, coming out of your twenties and your thirties and starting a family and careers and things you also, I think, you know, you're a spot to where there's some things that are happening that are, are not, you know, they're not on the greatest hits list that anyone would anticipate, but they're just a fact of life.
LJR: Right, right. And kind of acknowledging those, and as you say, sometimes you don't even know what to do with them, but, but acknowledging that and recognizing, okay, this is where we are. And we have a few more seasons left in us,
DA: Yeah.
LJR: And so what are, how are we gonna kind of tweak that or live with it or, you know, build scaffolding around it or whatever needs to happen so that we can get to the next stage. And I think you, in your last episode with us, really talked about that power of the connectivity with people, like the friendships and the looking out for one another.
DA: Yes.
LJR: And I think that is going to be the key to our next. Ventures, whether that's like living it up in retirement and doing as little as possible, or taking one more lap around and seeing what else we have in us. I think it's those connections to people that can remind us what's important and who we are and all those things that I feel like you do so well. So what's the secret to that?
DA: You know, that's, that's something I don't think I knew I did well, Leslie, until you see people who do it badly [LJR: Ah]. And you see them not have the connectivity. I think in general, look, let's face it, stereotypically, guys just don't do this very well. We don't stay connected. We're not quite as socially and as, you know, communally organized and oriented as women. Broad stereotype, but I think that in general that holds. I remember the day of graduation. We had a party, no, day before graduation from Dartmouth. One of my closest friends, Chris McGee ‘96, his dad pulled us all aside, and I'll never forget this, he looked at us, probably ten of us, and he said, What you guys have is very special. And he said, You guys have to keep this active, you have to invest in it, because for guys, you can end up lonely later in life. And you will have no friends. And I thought to myself, these are the best friends in the world, how can I never…I always want to talk to them and I always want to stay connected, but you go through phases of staying in touch with people. In some ways, it's easier today with all the technology, but it still requires an effort. And with that group from Dartmouth, we've kept in very good touch. We go on a ski trip every year. Not everyone makes it every year, but it has been something we've all had to put our effort into because it's easy to say Yeah, I got work and you know, the kids are sick or whatever, right? That life gets in the way and it's easy to bow out.
LJR: Well, and some of the issues that you talk about are harder too, right? So when we were talking about that final really sucked or oh, geez What am I gonna wear to that formal like those things were like things you talked about and things you really cared about at 20. But When you're 40 and you're talking about the loss of a job or the, your kid's moving away and that you're sad about it. Like, is that something that you really want to talk to your buddies about? Maybe not if you haven't cultivated it forever. You know, you have the benefit of like, okay, these guys have known me forever. They know I'm an old softy at heart or whatever. They've seen it over time. I do lament that, you know. People that don't have that are are coming in at a disadvantage, right? Like they have to…
DA: It's hard to say Hey, I haven't seen you in 25 years and oh, by the way, you know, I'm in rehab I mean,
LJR: Or I just met you at work and yeah.
DA: Yeah. Here's my here's the deepest darkest secrets of my soul I think we've we've been fortunate that we've all Found a ton of value in it and continued to nurture it invest in it It's been absolutely vital for all of us because at various points somebody is struggling with something and the group's there. I think within the group. We're kind of at the earlier stage of empty nesting. There's one other guy whose kids are out as well. And actually we just decided we're going to U2. In the sphere.
LJR: There we go. Alright.
DA: We can do that.
LJR: What am I doing with my weekend this weekend? Hmm.
DA: Yeah. Get on a plane and say, when else are we going to see you two? Let's go.
LJR: That's right.
DA: But I think, you know, we've got everything from my kids gone. To friends whose kids are in early elementary school. And so there's a huge range. And, you know, we've got various satisfaction with jobs. We all go through the ups and downs of being married. And what that is and how that's going. And, you know, other things that come in. Parents, whatever else. So, I've been really fortunate to see how strong that is. Because I've, I've got friends from other parts of life that don't have that. And they do remark. And I had a bunch of friends after we had our 50th who were like, man, that's really special, Doug, that you've got that connectivity that goes all the way back to when you were 18. And it's not something to take for granted.
LJR: Yeah, so the big takeaway from that is tell all the young people in your life. Mr. McGee's wisdom that, you know, cultivate that, right?
DA: It was, it was so thoughtful, Leslie. I still, I remember and I tell Chris that I tell Chris, you know, maybe Hugh doesn't remember it as dad and maybe Chris doesn't. But I remember that moment and I thought to myself, you know, whatever we were 22, what do they know? Right. I'm going to take over the world and I'm graduating from college and here I go. But I remember thinking, huh, I really respect this guy, really like him. If he's taking the time to tell us this at a monumental point in our lives, there must be some truth to it. And, you know, unfortunately, I've seen some people in my life, whether it's from college or other places, that have kind of gone off and hermited. And they've lost touch. And you don't know what happened. Is it, did I do something? Did I say something? Is it them? Is it the circumstances of what they're going through and you want to help? I mean, maybe I do, maybe that's just who I am. I try to think, well, how could I help? But you also realize like, if they want to go off and be alone, there's not much you can do. At some point you're being intrusive. And I've seen those people and that part of me says, man, imagine what if, if they had more of a network or they had a more support group, but at the same time, they're grown adults. Can't force it.
LJR: Yeah. And then, I mean, I do think what you had is very special, but it's not to say that all is lost if you didn't have that in your early twenties and haven't, you know, like I think there are, there are other takeaways in what you're saying that are, okay, if you don't have that right now, like there are people around you that might not have that either and let's start cultivating that amongst ourselves, just whether it's neighbors or people in the same, you know, boat of, Oh gosh, your kid just went off to school. Let's, let's have a drink and talk about that. Or let's go to a U2 concert or whatever it is. Like, I think, you know, it's, this is so important, particularly these days that It's great that you got the head start, but we can all start a little bit.
DA: You know I've got a friend who didn't have that same connectivity and network in college or grad school Leslie and he's Into this F3 thing workout.
LJR: Oh, right. Yeah.
DA: And I mean you'd think it was a family. They do everything together. They work out at 5 a. m. together. They have beers on Friday night. They go on trips together, and it's really important to him, really special. And I look at that, and he's in his mid 40s, and this is not something he had until probably a year or two ago. And he raves about it, and I'm just so excited for him that he's found it. And so I think you're right. It doesn't have to be that, Geez, if you didn't make your life lock friends at 18, then, you know, you're screwed. I mean, it can be Kids Connections, sports, exercise, church, I mean there's so many different venues. But I have found for me, the last five years in particular, not only have I really valued and depended on it, but I don't think I before that realized that I took it for granted.
LJR: Mm hmm well now you're in a spot where you can exercise it more and more intentionally with those open weekends and
DA: Yeah Yeah.
LJR: So who knows what’s ahead of you.
DA: And then I think our girls have seen it and I you know emphasize to them that You're in the point of your life where, okay, so yeah, you need to go get a degree and a major and all that other stuff. But part of college is learning how to be an adult and meeting the people who could be parts of your life for a long time. And it's really cool to see those friendships starting to develop and them kind of, you know, becoming, not just young adults, but adults.
LJR: How did we do that?
DA: I know, I know, believe me. It, my oldest is nineteen and a half and my youngest just turned eighteen. So not only are they empty, we're an empty nesters, Leslie, they're both legal adults. Which, again, you get to college and The school doesn't share the kid's report card with you anymore. When they go to the doctor, the doctor doesn't tell you anything because they're adults and that's not your business. So you get to this spot where you're like, God, that's kind of rude. But you also realize that that's what we went through and that's the part of being an adult.
LJR: And as you said, that was what we set out to do for them in the beginning, to make them independent and strong and ready to take on the world when it was their time. And it's their time.
DA: And suddenly it's like, well, geez, that wasn't supposed to happen so quickly.
LJR: I know.
DA: And, and if you had told me, you know…my oldest was born nine weeks early at Dartmouth Hitchcock. And you want to talk about a scary introduction to parenthood, spending four weeks in the NICU. And I remember the first weekend, there was some really tough things that the doctors were trying to figure out. And I remember thinking, I just want to get through this week and God, forget about going to college. I was just like, man, I just want a healthy kid. So I go back to that and then I look where we are today and I say, on that weekend in my wildest dreams, this was not in the spectrum of things that I was even remotely worried about.
LJR: So, yeah. Well, I'm sure there's lots more we can worry about in the future.
DA: Look, right? I mean, you're only as happy as your least happy kid.
LJR: Least happy child. That's right.
DA: And believe me, when you, you see your kids go away and they go through the transition that we all did about dorm life, and, you know, little things like they don't have their own bathroom, and the professors in college don't really care if you went out last night, or, you know, if you're going to come to class, they're going to lecture, and they're going to take, put your tests forth, and, and so, you suddenly realize, you know, as a freshman, okay, this is different. And you want your kid to be prepared, you want them to, you know, stay connected, but, you know, when they come home, Leslie, one of the things you realize is, while this is their home, their life is not here anymore. Their life is at school. Their friends are there. Their academics are there. And so you realize that they're home for 10 days or two weeks for break, but by the end of that break, they're ready to go back to the rest of their life. And it was a big aha for me over Thanksgiving when we had both girls home for 10 days. At the end, I could tell they were like, I'm done being with my parents, time to go. And it's kind of like, oh, right, you have a life that we're not part of at all. But that's what we wanted.
LJR: It is what we want.
DA: Every parent wants.
LJR: And you'll be thinking of that when you are at U2. Like, yeah, I'm free. Free bird, man.
DA: I'm gonna go and It's actually six of us, all Dartmouth 96s. Actually, both other couples are both Dartmouth 96s. So Dan [Kalfatas] and Hadley [Mullen] and Brian Berry and Kristen Pierce are coming. And so all six of us. And it's going to be so much fun. But you're right, you can't do that when you're in your early 40s. And be like, hey, who's taking care of the kids? Ah, whatever. Just get on a plane and go to U2.
LJR: Right. No. Well, I'm excited for you. And maybe the next time we talk, we'll talk about you and Bono and how you guys are going to save the world together.
DA: Maybe I'll be a groupie and follow U2 around the world.
LJR: Never know. Never know. Lots of possibilities in our next chapter. All right, Doug. Well, thanks so much for being here and catching us up.
DA: Thanks, Leslie.
LJR: That was Doug Asano, who continues to serve as Senior Vice President Sales and Marketing at Roseburg Forest Products. He lives in an empty, though still really fun, nest in North Carolina with his wife, with room for his daughters to come in and out from time to time.
This is just like us. We plan to come in and out of your lives from time to time whenever a new guest, or previous one with an update to share, asks to sit down and talk about the winding pathways that have brought them to where they are today. Because we may not be on a set schedule from here on out, please take a moment to set your podcast app to automatically download any new episodes that are pushed to the feed. We want to stay in touch and hope you do too. Always feel free to reach out through the contact us link at RoadsTakenShow.com to connect with me, Leslie Jennings Rowley, on Roads Taken.